Moncktonsworth - How To Be Topp (with apologies)

 

 

Frends, Romans, countrymen, lend me yur ears.

 

 

For I cum not to bery ceaser but to bery that new bug, Cook of the first form.  New bugs shuld be seen and not herd. They shuld not cum up to you and sa "Excuse me, Moncktonsworth, but I think you are rong".

 

No. They shuld keep there trap shut.

 

Take Cook. He is an intelecshual minow. He hav over induljent NANY. But still he sa, 97 purse ent of climat scientists beleeve that hoomans cause climat change. I sa scince do not proceed by con sensuous. I am in third form so I am rite and Cook is rong.  He did not count all the abstrats. He chuck sum out.

 

If Cook not agree, I set on him the skool bully, Smokey. Here at St Willard's Skool, noone upsets Smokey. If they do, he go to headmaster, Dr Watts, and sa "Cook, the new bug, hav sa that 97 purse ent of scintists thingk climate change is caused by burning fossil fules." And Dr Watts laugh and sa ane fule kno this not troo.  Cook is a sneke and noone like snekes (egxcept Smokey).

 

Fotherington-Willis agree. He sa "Hullo clouds, hullo sky" becos he is a bit of a HIPPIE. He is on motor car tour of British Ilses at the mo. Even though Fotherington-Willis is a wet weed, he still thingk climit change not cos of humans but cos of floating islands or sumthingk.

 

 Wot I intend to do is make Cook see errer of his way by using my IMENSE intellect to make childish insolts at him. He will qwuake in his boots when I tell him he is young wipper snapper who has just got out of nappy and is wet behind ear.  That will tell him.

 

Ya, boo, sux.

 

Nigel Moncktonsworth

Form 3B

St Willard's Skool

Custards Close

Edinburghshire

Scotland

Near England

Europe

The Northern Hemisphere

The World

The Solar System

The Milky Way

The Univurse

 

And now the apology, to the estates and relatives, fans and friends of the late Geoffrey Willans and Ronald Searle.  The illustrations are Searle's and if anyone objects to their use here I will remove them.  My model here are the Molesworth books that this pair wrote and illustrated in the 1950s. Their atmosphere would be something that Lord Monckton would be familiar with. He probably even read them.  Anyone passing this way is recommended to read them too.